Lent pt. 3: Fashion as a feeling

The thing that has been the hardest part about this Lenten practice has been coming face-to-face with my insecurities. From worrying about my hair, to the clothes I wear, there has been some tension inside of myself. I think we all have a voice inside our heads(not in the “I’m crazy I hear voices way”) that tells us things that aren’t true; the voice in my head tells me that I’m awkward, that I talk too much, that I don’t talk enough or listen enough (which all contradict each other..?) that I’m an inconsiderate jerk, that I’m not “cool” and that girls aren’t attracted to me. In the last couple years the way I dress has become a way in which I can silence that voice, it’s given me confidence to deal with situations that I wouldn’t previously have been able to deal with. It’s weird to think that being comfortable with the clothes you wear might give you strength, isn’t it? But it’s not about the clothes is it? It’s about the feeling that the clothes give us. We want to feel a certain way, maybe we want to look like the people around us so we can feel accepted, maybe we don’t care about the way we look because we want to feel rebellious, or maybe we want to dress differently so we can be set apart in some way, but in the end it’s about the feeling, isn’t it?
I want to feel put together. Obviously I am not. My walk with God should be less about getting it all right and more about being present. I think my clothing has been a way for me to cover up my insecurities so that I can be present. I guess you could say that I have been trying to shape who I am into the image of the way that I look, and not letting who I am shape the way that I look.

peace.