icon of Jesus as a part of one of our worship stations. The station was pretty cool unto itself (it was called The Balloon Prayer), but it's not the station that I want to talk about, it's the comment that one of our adult volunteers made about his experience with the station/icon. He said "it was interesting sitting there tonight, looking at this icon – I've looked at it many times before, but tonight it really struck me: I don't know this guy". Uhhhhhhh, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap! That single brilliant comment tapped into a lot of stuff I've been feeling lately about this whole personal-relationship-with-Jesus-Christ thing. I've been realizing that I kind of... well... don't have one. I feel like I know Jesus like you would know your grandfather who died before you were really aware of what was going on: through pictures and stories. I mean you may have met him once or twice but you definitely couldn't say that you "knew" him (this happens to be the relationship I have with my maternal grand father, with him dieing when I was like 5, and my family living in Africa two of those years). I would go so far as to say that because you didn't know your grandfather all that well, you sometimes struggle to even be able to incorporate his life into what is called "reality" – obviously, your grandfather existed, and you realize you wouldn't be who you are/even exist without him, but it's hard to accept the reality of that.A few weeks back I was in Target buying flip flops and I ran into this girl who I sort of knew from a previous job and if I had talked to her the conversation probably would have gone something like: "Hey.... I remember you from ____, ummm crap, what's your name again, I'm sorry, I know your face, but not your name." I feel this way when I come in contact with God/Holy Spirit/Jesus, I feel like I recognize who they are, but I don't really have a lot of personal history with them.
I guess I kind of wish my relationship with God was more like my relationship with my best friend. Because with me and my best friend... it doesn't matter how far apart we are, or how long we go in between when we talk, we always can come back together and be real with each other. And when we do go long periods of time in between when we talk, I begin to feel it – it's like everything begins to just become overwhelming, but when I start talking to him again, he reminds me to just... be me, and even when I tell him about my crap(pronounced shit) he's still real with me. Even when I challenge him, or he challenges me, it's out of love and mutual respect for the other person. In our relationship there is no dominant figure; sometimes he's the one teaching me, sometimes I'm the one teaching him, but, more often then not, we are both just lost and trying to figure it out, but we're together so it doesn’t seem so hopeless.
He once told me that the day he realized we were best friends was the day that he realized that "no matter what, Jeffrey, you aren't gonna laugh at me for me being me."
I want my relationship with Jesus to be like the relationship I have with my closest friends: when I hear about where they are in their lives and how they are doing, and you know, what's happening, it gives me hope; and when I see their beautiful little faces... it has the power to bring me back from whatever funk I find myself in at the time.
I've never felt that feeling when it came to God/Jesus, though. It's always been this thing that's just
out of reach. I once had this dream that I was looking for this toy (pictured right); I tried and tried to get a hold of this toy, but nothing seemed to work, until finally I found myself in this giant bag of toys, searching for this one action figure, and then, finally, I found it; I reached for it, but the moment that I should have felt the plastic in my little hands, was the moment I woke up. That's how I feel about my search for God, everytime I think I've figured out where to look, I reach, and nothing's there, it seems like it's always a disappointment. It always feel like a one sided thing.God has always been this distant figure that was just waiting for me to get up the courage to come and find him. It’s never been personal, or a relationship, but as experience tells me there is always a way of changing that, there’s always of stepping up the relationship if both parties are really willing to try. But here’s what I believe about God, he’s interested in having a relationship with me, but he’s not really willing to be the one who instigates it. Even though most things in the bible would refute that, I still believe it, because it’s what I’ve experienced. Maybe my relationship with my parents effects my belief on God, but even if it does, why doesn't he do more to challenge that belief? Why doesn't he do more to show that he's really there and with me in the stress/worry/anxiety/pain/struggle?
I've been trying to write this post for a few weeks now, and I think I've gotten to a place where I'm comfortable saying what I'm about to say. I don't know if I can even believe in God anymore because I don't ever know if there's anything there and I've never really found prayer to do much of anything besides direct my own intentionality towards something.
I do however wish you all peace. May you ask the hard questions and hopefully get the hard answers.
