Home...?

So I'm going home today, and well, frankly I just feel weird calling it that. There is certainly an element of nostalgia when I go back to Nashville, but for the most part, I just feel weird all around. I am excited to see everyone who will be there when I get back, but the town, the place, the house I used to live in–and still keep some of my crap in–are just not home for me anymore.
A friend of mine describes home as the other place that she is not right now. What she means is that when she goes back to her home town, that is going home, but when she is talking about coming back to Loyola she is also coming home, but I think for me Chicago is home, and more specifically this campus, not necessarily my dorm room, because I am beginning to feel more and more annoyance at having to live in such a small space, and share it with another person, but this campus is definitely home.
I always think about that conversation in Garden State where Natalie Portman and Zach Braff are sitting in the swimming pool and Zach Braff is talking about his own experience of home and he says

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of the sudden even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone…"

I don't know, the older I get the more this remains true for me, except I'm not quite as pessimistic as he is. So when I go back to the house I grew up in, today, I will be thinking about Garden State, and I will be missing Chicago, because its home, to me, and I like that idea.

Getting back in the saddle

I thought this was a rather appropriate way to talk about what I am going through right now, or, rather, one of the bigger things I am dealing with.
Since I left Nashville I haven't really found a community of Christians that I truly connect with. I found this church up in Evanston which is amazing, but I don't really feel connected to the church outside of Sunday morning, since I only know like four people, total, one of them I have known since I was 14, so... yeah, I haven't met too many people outside of my close knit group.
Then there is this on campus ministry group. I absolutely love some of the people, like, I feel like they could be some of my closest friends if.... if I would just let them. Here's the thing, though, I have just come out of a long term relationship with one of the most amazing churches I may ever attend, and I feel like I am trying to get back in the saddle.
So the church I just came out of is sweet, gentle, loving, comfortable, and altogether perfect...for where I was, but I am beginning to move past that, and am beginning to grow as a person, so now, having moved on from that particular relationship I find myself not really knowing how to trust a new church or community.
So, thats where I find myself. In this new community where I know that its really good for me, but I am not sure how to relate to it yet, and I haven't really gotten to know the community so its hard to know. Plus you have this really interesting combinations of church denominations all piled on top of each other so much so that there feels like very little coherence – Everyone's pulling in their own direction.
Do I want to stay involved in this community? Yes, very much so. Should I continue trying, even though whenever I walk out of there I feel like I've just come out of a blackhole of Christian culture? OH YEAH, definitely

Besides just my aversion towards Christian culture I just have this general forgetfulness of the "christianness" of my life. Its weird not being constantly surrounded by it, I mean, none of my close friends are christians, some of them are religious, but not Christian. Even the Christians that I know seem to have very different attitudes towards the whole thing than I am used to. I want to talk to one of my friend's because she is a christian, and I think she might be able to help me sort out some of the things that I'm feeling, but you can never know for sure – I guess she would probably be able to, at least, give me her opinion of her situation, which would be very helpful.

All this is to say: I am very confused when it comes to Christianity lately and I just don't know where to turn for guidance anymore.
I hope you all are well.
peace.