Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Decompression

When I first left Nashville in August I was a bubbling boy awaiting something that was new and different, with so many unknowns on my plate I had no idea what to think school would be like, obviously I had people's stories to go on, but those stories cannot fully sum up what college is, or the feeling you get when you know you are where you are supposed to be. I realized the night before I left that I liked this girl from Nashville, which kind of messed up my plans to just go and have very few connections with Nashville, because this girl was so amazing I had to try – this will continue later. When I got to school I found my room mate and I got along great, I met up with my friend Caitlin, who I met at orientation (I told that story in a previous post). Second night I was at Loyola Carl, Caitlin, and I went to a hooka bar with an incredible group of people, some of who became my closest friends, other just kind of faded into the background, but I still see most of them on a regular basis.

It was funny because after every week I would look over my week and feel completely accomplished, exhausted, but accomplished – I think I had a fear that I wouldn't be able to do all the work, so each week that I didn't fail every piece of homework was an accomplishment. That quickly faded, and it just became a part of "life" not just something I was trying out.
By the time fall break rolled around I was fully ready for some space from Loyola, I needed to get away to put some perspective on the whole thing. So I came back to Nashville to tell that girl that I liked her, and get a grip on my life. So, I crammed hang out time in with everyone that I could and truly enjoyed being back here, seeing everyone, experiencing everything again, just kind of reliving what had become my "old" life. Before I left I told her that I liked her, and she told me she liked me too, it seemed like something could have happened between us, a little bit of hope, you know?
So, I got back to school ready to be thrown back into the pits of school work, because, i kind of knew what to expect, I accepted school as my life, and I had gotten the hang of it all. This quickly became problematic because I was only investing my time in school and people, and just began to spiral downward into a rather nasty cycle of putting my energy into my school work and only getting a grade back, which in case you are not aware, is not very satisfying when you compare it to helping people open their eyes up to a new possibility of how to live their lives, like I had been doing when I lived in Nashville. I came to a point where I realized what was happening and just pulled myself quickly back out of that, it helped for a while, but I found myself quickly heading back down that same path.

All this time, things with the girl seemed like they were headed somewhere, but little did I know my chances for having anything were becoming less and less likely.
Midterms came and went, and most of them I did alright on, of course I could have done better on them, but they weren't as heinous as I had been laid to believe by TV, haha.
Thanksgiving came, and I decided, because things had gone so well with the girl the last time, that I should probably head back to Nashville to see her, spend time with my other friends, and spend time with my family, which the majority of was in town – there were just too many good things going to happen to avoid it because of my petty angst. So, I came back.
I once again was on a whirlwind tour, spending time with people up until the very last minute that I was here. I had an incredible thanksgiving with my family, maybe the best there's ever been. I saw the girl, she told me she had been hanging out with this guy, but of course I care not for trivialities like that, so I put it out of my mind and kept on with my mission to woo her, even though she lived in Nashville and I lived in Chicago. Spending time with friends, was amazing though, not one moment was wasted, or bad, it all seemed really enjoyable – it was just a really good trip all around, nothing bad about it; I even enjoyed spending time with my parents, which is rare these days.

Came back to school, again, ready to just get back into it, so I did. Fell back into my patterns of putting all my emotional energy into school, and getting only grades back, realized and tried to pull myself back out of it, succeeded and then....
The girl called me and informed me, rather off-handedly, than her and previous mentioned boy were now dating – come to find out now that this had been true over thanksgiving, so all my hope during thanksgiving was rather unwarranted.
Devastated I tried to accomplish my work, to no avail, I had lost all my motivation. I realized that not only had I been putting most of my emotional energy into school work, but the little bit that was left had gone completely into this girl, who, at this point had completely moved past me telling her that I liked her, and was dating this boy. I realized that I nothing to live for, since most of my hope had been directed towards this girl, I realized I had to bring my priorities back in line and make it through this semester, even though I was broken as a human being.
So I pulled myself back together long enough to make it through Finals, and did pretty well on most of my finals, again, I could have done better, but I feel alright with my final grades, next semester will be better, that I am sure of.

So I am back in Nashville waiting for next semester to start. I have a couple of projects to keep me occupied, which I'm really thankful for, but for the most part I just want to be back at Loyola, already. I have decided to stop pursuing girls, like, at all, if a girl comes along that I like, I'll hang out with her, but I'm not gonna try to make anything happen, I've tried that for a while now and have gotten nowhere, so I'm just gonna let it be for a while.
School next semester is going to be awesome, I am really looking forward to my classes, and getting to see all my amazing friends, and meeting new ones, so on and so forth.
Right now, though, I just have to make it through the next few weeks without going crazy, because being back in my parent's house is driving me crazy, and I've only been here since Sunday, I can't even imagine how bad my angst is going to get by the time I leave on the 12th.

P.S. there is an entire other topic that I didin't touch base on during this post, and thats church/christianity, so maybe I'll do one on my experience with that this past semester, but, maybe the last post I did will suffice, we'll see how I feel.
Peace.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

its gonna be short and to the point

As I have a ridiculously small amount of time, and I want to write this before the current song ends, I will just get to the point.

Yesterday was the last official day of class, it was not the last day of work, but "class" is done. I have finals this up coming week, and honestly, having never taken one in my life, I can only base my idea of them on what other people tell me, and they tell me they are going to destroy me, we will see.
There has been thing going on, which I don't really want to talk about in general, but should mention as it pertains to my current state of mind. Basically this thing has been causing me huge problems of late, it has, in the last couple months been a source of happiness, and sometimes it was the only way I kept myself (for better or worse), but now....now it has become poisonousness to me, and everytime the subject gets brought I just lose all motivation to do anything, and have to spend days recovering.

Alright my song is over, and I need to get crack-a-lackin on these six essays that are due Tuesday. I will write a much longer, much more indepth post when I have time again, which will be over Christmas break, hopefully.
peace to you all.