Wednesday, March 28, 2007

College/When vanity becomes judgmentalism

So this weekend the youth group that I practice my faith with went up to DuBose conference center for our annual spring retreat called "ekklesia", this year the topic was death, and how we in America can go about appropriating it. The weekend went really well, we had a good time, there was just sooooo much information that was spoken that it would have been nearly impossible to take it all in. On Saturday after noon while we were sitting in a Mexican restaurant out in Winchester, Tn, mi madre calls to tell me that I had just gotten a letter from Loyola University in Chicago (#1 school), she had not opened it but she said the letter said "congratulations" on the outside. I tell her that I'll call her later that afternoon so that she can read what it says. Later on I call her and she begins to read "Dear Jeffrey... Congratulations we would like to extend an invitation...you have been awarded scholarship..." so on and so forth; all the important things were included. So, my friends, as of Saturday at about 4 o'clock I am officially in college. One of the cool parts was that I got to share it directly with a couple of my really good friends who were up there with us. The process, of course, is not over, I gotta figure out whether it's even possible for me to go to this school, because the cost is astronomical, but I'll be damned if something like impossible odds will keep me from feeling this incredible feeling of relief – at least for a couple days.

I have been noticing recently that I do a fair amount of deciding what I think of people by the way they look. Not that the way someone looks doesn't say something about who they are, because it effects them very directly and can be the leading cause of one or multiple of their personality traits, however that's no accuse to size someone up based on, well, their size. I think it especially has to do with the way they carry themselves, cause let's be honest, any body(double meaning implied) can be attractive if the person carries themselves well. Maybe it's all about posture....? A posture of confidence usually stems from some sense of confidence and most people who are over weight struggle to find that confidence and therefore posture themselves in an unconfident way, therefore showing that they don't have much confidence (because they don't). It's cyclical, too. Someone who has an overconfident gets complimented a lot, usually, and then they stay overconfident. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but just know this, I can be very shallow when it comes to the way you hold yourself – which is really funny cause I have terrible posture... like all the time.

peace.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

sick...music...

Today I am sick. I watched Unbreakable and I'm trying to figure out if I liked it or not. It's been a bad week for the most part.
Being sick sucks, especially when it's your lymph glands in your neck that are swollen, swallowing hurts, eat hurts, yeah it sucks. However, it restful to a certain degree, because you really can't do anything else, and with so much pain you can't think about much else either, so you can't even truly worry about everything that you need to get done – so here's to sickness being our bodies way of telling us we need rest *raises glass*.

Music....
I pretty much hate all the music I've been writing lately, it's boring.... there's nothing really redeeming about. Maybe it's a self hatred thing, or maybe it's just that I can hear how boring it is and don't have the energy to really do something about it. Plus I have nothing to really write about, I'm not really inspired by anything lately, no input.
I guess that's kind of my problem all around. I just have no input, nothing to get me up in the morning, nothing that makes my life worth gettin' up for, you know? Maybe that's why I think I need to leave Nashville so bad, to find something that inspires me. I'm sure I could find something here, but it's not gonna be as easy because I think I know this town, I think I know what's goin' on here in Nashville – it's not true, I don't know much about what actually goes on here.

P.S. I don't write enough, and I honestly need to because it's good for me.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Lent pt. 3: Fashion as a feeling


The thing that has been the hardest part about this Lenten practice has been coming face-to-face with my insecurities. From worrying about my hair, to the clothes I wear, there has been some tension inside of myself. I think we all have a voice inside our heads(not in the “I’m crazy I hear voices way”) that tells us things that aren’t true; the voice in my head tells me that I’m awkward, that I talk too much, that I don’t talk enough or listen enough (which all contradict each other..?) that I’m an inconsiderate jerk, that I’m not “cool” and that girls aren’t attracted to me. In the last couple years the way I dress has become a way in which I can silence that voice, it’s given me confidence to deal with situations that I wouldn’t previously have been able to deal with. It’s weird to think that being comfortable with the clothes you wear might give you strength, isn’t it? But it’s not about the clothes is it? It’s about the feeling that the clothes give us. We want to feel a certain way, maybe we want to look like the people around us so we can feel accepted, maybe we don’t care about the way we look because we want to feel rebellious, or maybe we want to dress differently so we can be set apart in some way, but in the end it’s about the feeling, isn’t it?
I want to feel put together. Obviously I am not. My walk with God should be less about getting it all right and more about being present. I think my clothing has been a way for me to cover up my insecurities so that I can be present. I guess you could say that I have been trying to shape who I am into the image of the way that I look, and not letting who I am shape the way that I look.

peace.